I keep asking myself what the twelve disciples must have thought when Jesus commanded them to go out with literally nothing but was on their person at the time so that they could do the Father's work (Mark 6:7-13). While times have certainly changed between then and now I can't help but think about how they must have reacted to Jesus telling them this. "You want us to go where and do what?", "What do you mean we can't bring anything with us? Not even money?!" - But, they still went...and God showed up.
I wonder if any of them doubted what Jesus was saying. It takes a true act of faith to step out and truly depend upon God like that. It's something the world deems irresponsible, distasteful, and frankly quite crazy. Having grown up in the world like everyone else, I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes my mind tends to doubt myself and if I'm truly hearing from the Lord. But you know what's crazy? He's still showing up. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, people to love, and some alone time with Him every single day. When I realize this, it brings me to the realization of how stupid it is for me to doubt what He's doing.
Last night I had a huge wake up call from God. He exposed to me some of my "junk" that I didn't realize was there. As soon as I saw it thoughts started flowing into my head that I wasn't good enough for this journey or that I wasn't ready. I began thinking of solutions to the current problem I thought I had and decided that I needed to find a good community with an awesome mentor who can help me work through my junk until I'm good. THEN I would be able to go back out and do this ATL. - Lies. All lies.
I ended up skyping an awesome squad mate and friend of mine from my World Race soon after making the decision that I was probably going to quit this ATL and seek out discipleship. As soon as I got online with him his first words to me were, "You're not quitting." Quitting for me would be so easy. I didn't see that whenever I was thinking about making plans for discipleship school. I thought getting back in community again would be beneficial, but in reality it would just be a place for me to hide again. Being on this ATL where I'm exposed to the world and completely dependent on God is where I'm going to get the most growth and where discipleship is going to happen for me on a whole new level.
I still think God is crazy for choosing ME to do this ATL. Never before have I asked the question, "Why me?" so much. I guess I've never really seen how bad my "junk" really is. But what is amazing is that even though I see the junk, He just see's Jesus in me and my created value. He reminds me of all of the prophets of the Bible. They were drunks, adulterers, murderers, and more, yet God still used them to bring His name glory. He's showing me that really, I'm no worse than anyone else in the world and I don't have to be better or worse than them. I just have to maintain a relationship with Him so that He can teach me who I am and through that the junk will fall to the side.
So, yeah. The disciples must have been out of their minds! But that's a good thing. Because when we're out of our own minds we can start focusing on His mind and the things He has in store for those who love Him.
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